Non-League Manager's Coat Drafts Bid For Local News Fund, Citing 412 Match Reports
The camel overcoat says it is 'basically hyperlocal infrastructure at this point.'
Published · The real story ↓
DCMS says fifty organisations are set to benefit from the government's £6 million Local News Fund, with most grants of up to £125,000 going to local print, online, TV and radio outlets.
Which brings us, inevitably, to the coat.
Fenwick Cross FC manager Dennis Prowle's camel overcoat enters bid season with a career line of 14 seasons, 412 match-report appearances, 97 photo captions and 31 uses of "billowing," a club record.
Its draft application, for whatever future round may or may not get funded, requests £124,999, "to stay respectfully under the cap," for a lining-mounted app that alerts the Fenwick Cross Gazette whenever a button comes undone. Correlation with a substitution: 68 percent.
DCMS says the fund aims to rebuild social trust and support local growth. The coat argues nothing builds trust like a double-breasted silhouette held steady through a 2-1 home defeat. Appendix: 40 pages of touchline heat maps.
The assistant manager's navy gilet has lodged a counter-bid. Head-to-head: column inches, coat 412-9. Dugout obstruction complaints avoided, gilet 1-0.
Clubhouse reading of the draft: attendance 61. Wearing coats, 14. Visibly envious, 3. Asking whether pies are covered, 22. Dogs, 1, listed as probable.
At press time the coat had been subbed off in the 63rd minute for a cagoule, which has no plans to apply.
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The real story
The Department for Culture, Media and Sport says 50 organisations will receive grants from its £6 million Local News Fund, part of its 'Amplify: The Local Media Action Plan'. Most grants, of up to £125,000, go to local print, online, TV and radio outlets, and seven infrastructure projects receive up to £275,000. The release also says the 'Inspiring the Future' journalism careers campaign has reached more than 11,000 students in more than 100 schools. The National Committee for the Safety of Journalists will meet during Journalism Matters Week to agree a refreshed National Action Plan.
Sources: real reporting
- GOV.UK news: artificial intelligence: Government backs local journalism with £6 million funding while careers campaign reaches thousands of youngsters ·
About this piece
This is satire. The reporter is a fictional character, and the commentary, scenes and dialogue are invented. The facts it relies on are summarized in “The real story” and come from the sources listed above.
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