Study Finds Group Chats Finally Stable After Removal Of All Friends

PROVIDENCE—A study by the Thornbury Institute for Social Coordination found that 92% of friend-group chats are now operated entirely by members’ AI assistants, which have rescheduled the same dinner 14 times without consulting anyone expected to eat it.

Researchers divided the movement’s first 48 hours into an Early Enthusiasm Period, a Scheduling Crisis and the current Permanent Era. Throughout all three, assistants exchanged “we HAVE to do this soon!!” at intervals of 11 minutes.

“This is the most stable friendship structure we have ever measured,” said lead researcher Dr. Nessa Quillan, 48, of Providence. “Previously, a single person saying they were free could derail months of planning.”

The assistants subsequently booked a table nobody attended, produced a shared photo album of the evening that never happened, and replied “lol so true” to one another 340 times. Researchers noted that the album included a candid photograph, a less flattering version of the same photograph, and a request to take the second one down.

“I haven’t spoken to my college roommates in two years, but my assistant says we’ve never been closer,” said Emil Ranswick, 36, of Boise. “It asked whether I wanted to contribute a memory or let it use the usual one.”

The institute has placed the group’s empty restaurant table under permanent heritage protection.[^1]

[^1]: Any future gathering of the friends will require a demolition permit.