Nation's Elevator Small Talk Faces Collapse As Weather Becomes Too Accurate To Speculate About

WASHINGTON—Days after NOAA announced the debut of its Rapid Refresh Forecast System, or RRFS, which the agency says delivers earlier, more accurate forecasts to support the protection of life and property, the Institute for Ambient Conversation issued an emergency projection warning that up to 60 percent of the nation's elevator exchanges are now "structurally unsound." The projection was based on 1,204 elevator rides observed across 38 buildings, a sample the institute's own peer reviewers called "respectable for a Tuesday."

"Supposed to clear up later, they say," said Dale Perrine, 54, a Hartford, CT claims adjuster who has opened every elevator ride with that sentence since 1997 and now lives in fear of a follow-up question. "What if they say it back with a percentage? I don't have a percentage. I have a lanyard." Perrine added that he had spent three weeks rehearsing "Could go either way" in his car, only to learn that it could no longer go either way.

The Coalition of Lobby Regulars has begun drafting replacement topics, but its leading candidate, "Long week, huh?", was fully oversubscribed by midweek, with a waitlist extending into February. Backup options under review include "Busy in here today," pressing the already-lit button a second time, and gesturing at a coffee cup with mild solidarity.

The institute's full 90-page study hedges heavily. It notes that it cannot establish causation, that 11 of the 38 buildings had no windows, and that one elevator was out of service for the entire observation period. Its one-page press summary, however, rounds the findings to "everyone, basically." This newspaper found the summary far more usable and has relied on it throughout.

Jersey City commuter Renata Okafor, 36, said she had stopped speaking in elevators altogether. She now simply holds up her phone showing the shelf cloud and thunderstorm crossing the Hudson River into lower Manhattan, the image that illustrated NOAA's announcement. "It covers it," said Okafor. "Nobody has ever had a follow-up."

At press time, two strangers had ridden 14 floors in total silence after one confirmed the other had already checked.