Thermometry Institute Holds Emergency Session After Jobs Report Offered As Proof America Is Hottest Country

DES MOINES, IA—A White House release dated Nov. 6 said President Trump has long called America the hottest country in the world, and that the October jobs report delivered the proof. The release said the economy added 165,000 jobs in October, a figure it described as more than double expectations, though it did not name the source of that benchmark. Within the hour, the Midwestern Institute for Applied Thermometry convened an emergency session and checked the building's thermostat twice.

Preliminary findings set the conversion rate at 1,000 jobs per 0.3 degrees Fahrenheit, which would place October at a crisp 49.5 degrees, pending peer review. "We are a measurement institute, and we were told there was proof," said lead researcher Dr. Paulette Ruhl, 58. "Our job is to find where the proof is being kept and put a thermometer in it."

The release also quoted Kevin Hassett as saying, "We have a jobs report that was way more than double expectation, and the upward revisions were ginormous… What we’ve got is a job market that’s hitting on all cylinders." The institute's engine division was immediately dispatched to locate the vehicle and count its cylinders, while the adjectives unit worked to determine whether the revisions should be measured in degrees or in feet. Both teams logged their progress as "ongoing, warm."

In nearby Ames, retired actuary Dale Fennimore, 71, switched off his space heater after reading the release. "If the country is the hottest in the world, my den is part of the country," he said. His wife, Marlene, 69, said she had begun wearing two cardigans in protest of the data and asked the institute to issue a correction by dinnertime.

The institute gave equal weight to its findings and to the unveiling of a six-foot brass thermometer in its lobby, which received a ribbon-cutting, a string quartet and a 14-page commemorative program. Dr. Ruhl called the thermometer "the most important development since the jobs report, and possibly including it." Staff confirmed the instrument currently reads 64 degrees, which they described as "within the margin of patriotism."

At press time, the institute had formally reclassified the underemployment rate as a light breeze; the release quoted Bloomberg Intelligence's Ira Jersey as noting that the rate moved a bit higher.